Never Let Him See The Damage
by everythingaddison
Summary: Set just after TATM. River and The Doctor have their feelings about what happened, the difference? River won't show anyone that she's broken. Will she ever be able to let out her emotions?


The Doctor sat on the steps as River flew the TARDIS. She flew her with ease which just gave her more time to look over at her husband. He looked so destroyed. So broken. So… damaged. River couldn't fathom just how much the Ponds meant to The Doctor, and how much he must be hurting now that they were gone.

"Oh River, I'm so sorry." The Doctor said. River looked over at him. "They were your parents… I didn't think…"

"It's okay." She assured.

"Don't do this, River." The Doctor said, almost coldly.

"Do what?" River questioned.

"Don't be strong. They were your parents!" His voice was raised now. River felt the back of her eyes sting with tears that were threatening to fall. _Parents._ They _were_ her parents. _Were_. Now they're dead. All that time she knew them, for the most of it they didn't know that she was their daughter. She kept it hidden with her signature 'spoilers', but it killed her inside, to know that soon she or they may be gone without having been able to spend much time together with them knowing she's her daughter. Being strong was all she had. Being strong was the one way she dealt with _everything_ that happened to her. If she allowed herself to break down then she'd never recover. It started as her trying to make herself appear strong, but now it's been so long, she had so much built up and hidden emotion that if she even dared cry now she would completely fall apart.

"Don't travel alone, Doctor." River said, attempting to divert the conversation away from her.

"Don't change the subject!" The Doctor yelled. He stood up. River felt herself begin to shake. She couldn't tell if it was out of fear, anger or frustration. "They were your parents, River! Your parents!" Tears were making themselves evident on the Doctor's face. River rolled her hands into fists.

"I know they were my parents!" River yelled back. "I've known that for much longer than you!" The Doctor fell silent. He realised that what River was saying was in fact true. Due to their mixed up timelines, she'd gone through much more of their time together than he had, much more time with Amy and Rory. "Stay out of it, Doctor! And leave me alone!" She threw up her hands in frustration and ran off. The Doctor stubbornly stood still. He knew he should go after his wife but he didn't want to show he was wrong. At least not right now.

River reached their shared bedroom quickly, she mentally thanked the TARDIS for making it easy for her. She ran into the bathroom, pushed the door shut and collapsed against it. She slid slowly down to the floor. She was shaking tremendously and her breathing was erratic. Tears began to leak from her eyes. She internally cursed herself for this. The tears kept coming, and coming, and coming. Seemingly with no end. _Never let him see the damage._ She repeated this mantra to herself so many times until she finally got so angry with herself for crying, she knew she had to do something to relieve the emotional pain. She suddenly, before she even realised what she was doing, punched the wall with her right hand. She punched it again and again until she saw red on the wall. She looked at her tightly clenched fist and saw the blood seeping from the many abrasions she herself had created. It hurt like hell, it throbbed so much also. She moved herself slightly away from leaning on the door to a bit further down the wall so she wouldn't need to see the blood, _her_ blood, on the wall. She held her bruised and bleeding wrist close to her chest, pulled her knees up and gave into her crying. Her sobs making her shake violently. She screamed also, just briefly, it lead back to hysterical crying once more.

The Doctor was being stubborn. As always. And he'd have remained that way for goodness knows how long if it weren't from the screams. His hearts almost stopped at the realisation that the screams were his wife's. He ran in the direction of the screams. Luckily, the TARDIS made it easy for him to locate her. He ran to the door, almost tripping over the frame. He looked around frantically trying to locate his wife. He couldn't see her, but he could hear her heart wrenching sobs. He looked up and realised she was in the bathroom. He didn't hesitate one bit before running over to the door and pushing it open. It barely missed River's body as it swung open. The mere sight of his wife in this state was enough to make both his hearts shatter.

"Go away." River said. The Doctor looked sadly upon his wife.

"No."

"Leave!" She yelled, crying even more. The Doctor knew that in this moment she needed him more than she ever did in any time that they'd met before. He bent down and knelt on the floor next to her, placing a hand on her shaking shoulder. "Get off!" She yelled. Her sobs not ceasing at all, if anything, getting worse.

"C'mere." He spoke softly. He took River into his arms and held her tightly, stroking her now dampened hair, trying his best to soothe her as she fell apart in his arms. She didn't reciprocate his embrace at first, she tried to fight it, but he wasn't letting go so she gave in. She gave in to the warmth, the love, the care. She gripped firmly onto his shoulders with both her hands and cried into him. As much as she wanted, _needed_ to be strong, having the Doctor's arms around her, cradling her in the moment, she completely gave in to her emotions.

"She w-was my m-mom." River choked out. "A-and he w-was m-my da-ad." The Doctor held her tighter, almost as a lifeline for himself as he too relieved the death of his best friend and her husband. "And t-they're d-d-d…" She couldn't finish that sentence. She attempted to take in a deep breath, it ended up being a short, shaky gasp. "Dead." She finished off, and sobbed harder into the Doctor's shoulder. The Doctor allowed his own tears to fall also. They both needed each other in this moment. As much as they both hated to admit it, they needed comfort and support.

River's sobs slowly began to cease and her grip lessened on the Doctor's shoulders. He kept a firm hold of her though, so she would know he was not going anywhere.

Eventually, River sat back against the wall again, and the Doctor joined her. She wiped a stray tear off of her cheek.

"I'm sorry." She said, looking straight forward. He looked over at her, he studied her expression and knew she was sincere. He too then looked forward.

"You needn't apologise." The Doctor said. "You comforted me as much then as I did you." River looked over at the Doctor and saw the slight puffiness of his eyes, indicating he'd been crying too. He looked lovingly back at her. He smiled, a smile that never failed to melt River's heart every time. She smiled back at him. His gaze averted from her eyes to her bloodied hand. His eyes went wide. She looked down and realised what he was looking at.

"River! Your hand!" He exclaimed. She held it up slightly, it still throbbed but the pain was duller slightly.

"Oh… this…" She said. "I… I may have punched the wall a couple of times…" She looked down. "I should probably apologise to her."

"I'm sure the TARDIS forgives you, Melody." Her eyes met his at the mention of her birth name. "Oh god, I'm so sorry! I should've-" River quieted him with a soft kiss. She pulled away and noticed the confused look on his face.

"Don't apologise." She said. "You… Saying Melody, saying my _name,_ it made me feel like they're here with me, watching over me, protecting me. So thank you." The Doctor had no way to reply to that, so he took her non-bruised hand into his and held it.

"Come on, River, let's go to bed. It's been a long day." He stood up and then proceeded to help River to her feet also, never letting go of her hand. He led her to their bed and she lay down. He walked over to his side of the bed and sat down next to her. He looked at her, admiring her beauty and her strength.

"I love you." River said.

"I love you too." The Doctor replied. He planted a kiss on her forehead. "Goodnight, Sweetie."


End file.
